Interested in those who are Interested

Throughout my childhood, I would point to work ethic, determination, and tenacity as essential attributes among those who are successful.

I still believe that. Nevertheless, those intangibles stem from one essential factor: communication. How we speak… how we send and receive messages… how we talk and listen… determines the worlds we experience.

We do not just experience life; we experience the life we choose to focus on.

What we did or what happened is not good or bad; it’s how we perceive events. Our future is full of opportunities or obstacles; which will we concentrate on?

Communication creates perception. Perception creates meaning. Ipso facto, meaning is downstream from communication.

Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, wrote the best-selling book Never Split the Difference. It is packed with strategies revolving around tactical empathy, emotion labeling, illusions of control, and the “Black Swan” effect that could drastically alter a negotiation’s outcome. My absolute favorite, however, is called “The 07-38-55 Rule.”

• 7% of communication comes down to the diction or words we choose. Only 7%!
• 38% is inflection in one’s voice or tone. If you have a dog at home, try saying “I hate you” in a high-pitched, cheerful tone. He or she will likely wiggle their whole body in excitement. But be careful. Many household arguments occur because of tonality—it matters more how you say something than the words you use.
• 55% of communication is nonverbal body language. You know the saying, “that person wears their heart on their sleeve”? We all do! Life boils down to energy. What kind of energy are you exuding?

There are four stages to learning anything:

1. Ignorance | Unconscious Incompetence
2. Awareness | Conscious Incompetence
3. Evolution | Conscious Competence
4. Mastery | Unconscious Competence

Like any skill, communication takes practice. Once we become aware that 93% of communication has nothing to do with what we say but how we say it, we work on our delivery. One strategy to consider: when telling a story, always use a monotone voice when describing the plot and use inflection when saying what someone said.

For example:

Charlie tucks his tail between his legs and turns to face the corner of the room…

Energy is caught, not taught.

Broadcasting and transmitting are only one side of the equation. I’d argue the other side is even more essential: actively listening and receiving. People find those who show interest in them more interesting. The greatest gift to give another human being is presence—the gift of being seen, heard, and validated without judgment.

To fully be seen amidst imperfections reflects the essence of compassion, a quality to adopt and develop because it enhances relationships exponentially. In my work as a performance coach and sport psychology consultant, every day and in every way, I look to honor the reality of the individual I’m working with. When an individual feels she is understood, she stands taller and becomes more open. When an individual senses safety and support, he relaxes. When we perceive ourselves as loved, we become loving, too.

Here are three sources of depression:

• Feeling disconnected
• Harsh, critical words we say to ourselves
• Not following our heart’s desire

Therefore, here are three elements of authentic expression:

• Feeling connected (to self and with another)
• Honest, uplifting affirmations and praise
• Taking action toward our aims

The Latin root of communication means "to share and make common."

Let’s make praise and active listening common.

If this blog helped, please share.

Stay connected,
MG